Seeing Things and Having Anxiety are the Literal Worst

(also God is hilarious)

This morning in the car I had a conversation with myself. Coasting down the highway trying to convince myself I’m not crazy. Currently, I’m going through something. As a recovering Christian, as someone who’s recently started down a new spiritual path, my senses are heightened where they were once dull. I’ve battled anxiety for most of my life but I was under the impression it was just me going overboard. Christians don’t have anxiety; they have discernment. Lately, the discerning spirit has run rampant.

Since I was a kid I’ve had visions — seen things others can’t. I physically felt when my father died before the phone call came. Saw my grandmother in my dreams before I knew I was carrying my daughter. Seen both of my children while I sit here with one. Looked into the eyes of the man I’m to marry in high school years before I ever met him. At 29, I’m a walking timebomb waiting for another vision. And I’ve just recently allowed myself to accept it.

I’m in the territory of questioning. I hate when things don’t line up; call it my Virgo at a constant flare-up. My spirit has been on tilt working to not get in my own way. Yet, God is hilarious and avails Himself in the most ridiculous ways. At the gas pump over the intercom. As a little girl placing her hands on my stomach and proclaiming “and the baby!” as I cry over a perceived breakup. As stronger inclinations and visions break through when I determine all is lost. I battle with myself every time. Is this real? Am I crazy? Or am I just the faucet? The deciding factor in what the universe is working to get to earth. It’s terrifying being this but it also comes with a strange sense of honor. Like Joseph, Joshua, Daniel. I’m sure the anxiety and mistrust was real along with the expectation that they were trusted with something so scary. But every vision they were delivered and interpreted came to pass. And with this current life, I pray that’s the case for me too.